To sleep or not to sleep

I am sitting here at nearly midnight with a huge to do list that I wanted to complete this evening, yet I have achieved only maybe half of, and now I am sitting taking a break and writing this post.

I’m not me unless I have fingers in way too may pies,  unless I am juggling endless tasks, and am stressing myself out beyond belief.  I cannot take it easy, cannot not volunteer, not offer my help.  I wish I could just keep my mouth shut sometimes and not endlessly offer but it’s just not in my nature.  I think I was made to be busy, I only wish I could somehow allow myself more time, feel less panicked by my endless to do list, and be a little more organised.  

Tomorrow is already crazy busy, full of photo shoots in various locations, children, preparation for the school Christmas Fayre and my book club Christmas Dinner, so now it’s decision time, do I pull an all nighter tonight, can I even do that anymore? My eyes are already burning through lack of sleep last night.  Not sure I can do it, something has to give here, but what do I drop? I cannot let anyone down, arrrrrrgh! 

Usually I thrive under pressure but tonight I feel panicked and stressed and if I am honest I want to cry, probably if I am honest sob.  I’m tired. Maybe this is life after 40? Maybe it’s time to slow down a little — who on earth am I kidding?! I just need sleep, and a step by step plan to tackle the list! Except right now I have deadlines and no time for sleep 😦 

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Here we go again!

Summer has been and gone, and we are heading full steam ahead into the Festive season.  Life has not stopped and has been pretty crazy and full on and this blogging malarkey has failed me so far!  But onwards and upwards and let’s just start over.  Let’s not make this a New Years Resolution to blog, as that will just fail instantly.  Let’s make it a December resolution / challenge instead.  I need to just take the time a few times. a week for me, to write and to think about life.  I need to stop beating myself up about it, I’m doing this for me and nobody else. Of course I want people to stop by and read what I am writing, but I mean I should not feel pressured as its my choice to do this, nobody is asking me or holding a gun to my head.Placeholder Image

Clean eating sucks …..

well today it really does anyway. But we are not giving up.

This is the result of natural yoghurt and fruit, both of which she eats.

And yes she has rubbed it all up her arms like sun cream! Arrrrrgh

Caught in the act …..

This child drives me insane but makes me smile so much my heart could burst. He is so damn naughty and cheeky, but his determination will make him go far, when hopefully channeled in the right direction.

So for his ADHD / Sensory Processing Disorder I try to keep Grayson as sugar free as possible. We are as you know on our clean eating journey, I’ll post more about that later, and he is mostly taking to it quite well. He eats all the meals I prepare, and I have no naughty snacks in the house, just healthy ones.

So yesterday I go into the kitchen and find this …………

Like seriously, this one never misses a window of opportunity! There again neither did photo addict mummy, I grabbed my phone from the counter top and took a photo whilst telling him off and trying not to smile!

The hot chocolate powder is now safely in the bin, so no doubt he will sniff out something else today! I could pimp him out as a sniffer dog, he has an incredible sense of smell.

This mummying is relentless, I cannot turn your back for a second.

Let the clean eating commence

I have for a while now planned on getting Grayson eating clean, and also if possible the rest of us too.  I want him to be sugar free, additive free, preservative free, basically crap free.  I’m hopeful that this might help with his adhd, maybe I am overly hopeful but its worth a try.  Plus its healthier, and if I eat clean too and it makes me feel happier and healthier, then I might be able to find him less stressful.  Here’s hoping!

So every great (and probably failed) diet starts on a Monday right, so did ours.  Nigella I’m not, I’m not a great cook, I’m pretty rubbish in the kitchen to be fair, so this will be a learning curve for me, but one I hope I enjoy.  There already seems to be a lot of ‘hope’ resting on this diet change.

Today I decided to start with lunch.  I chose a few recipes over the weekend which the lovely Ocado man delivered all the ingredients for yesterday. Today’s choice was Carnival Curry and Sunshine Rice from the Ella’s Kitchen Easy Family Cookbook.  To be honest there was nothing remotely technical about making it.  I was pleasantly surprised and was snapping pics as I went with the plan of sharing them on here.  I suddenly realised how automatically I style my photos so they are social media ready.  I looked down at Ruby sitting on the kitchen floor scoffing the remains of a bag of crisps that she had helped herself too out of the pantry – she is clearly protesting this clean eating – and took a pic of her.  I looked down at Hallie screaming in her chair also in the Kitchen with us and took a pic of her too.  So here are my social media ready pics and my honest (harsh) reality pics.  There really is a social media life and then there is real life, right?!

The Instagramable Pics ….

 

The Reality Pics ….

 

All certainly was not calm in my kitchen.  Managed to distract Grayson with YouTube though so that helped a little.

Lunch was ready, and this is how Ruby rewarded me for slaving away making them a nice lunch

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yes she rolled it around the table with her juice cup!  Grayson tucked in fortunately and ate most of his, BUT managed to spill over two full juice cups all over the table and the floor.

Can’t win them all I guess.  They are at Nanny’s for tea, whilst I take Hallie to the theatre, so over to her.  I’ll have another go tomorrow and see how that goes.

Any clean eating tips will be gratefully received as will quick, easy and tasty recipes.

 

Oh Baby Girl

So today I got to see Hallie’s consultant. She has a twitch that she has had since birth. It’s more of a tremor to be honest and is actually really beginning to worry me as its getting worse and worse. It is really juddery, almost fit like, and is in her arms and legs and pretty much her whole body. She started off just doing it in her sleep but now she is doing it when crying too.

So I was expecting to be a little fobbed off to be honest, was not expecting much from this appointment. How wrong was I! The lovely consultant took a lot of time to talk it through, and seemed genuinely interested, which is always reassuring. I showed her the videos I had taken, which kind of captured the ends of the episodes, funnily enough I do not have my phone poised to film at all times. She said they did not look like normal sleep twitches, which is what was suggested it was originally, so they need to be investigated. The word seizure was used a fair bit and that terrifies me.

So in the next couple of weeks we have to have blood tests, an EEG (looking at brain activity) and an MRI. She is only five weeks old, it all seems so wrong and not something a tiny person should be dealing with. Well actually nobody should be going through it, but a baby, it just seems so scary.

Just when I thought we were done with all the hospital time, looks like we are back again. Praying my baby girl is ok, whatever it is we will get through it, however we need to. She is lying in my arms as I type this, and is looking up at me with her knowing, trusting, beautiful eyes. I won’t let her down, I won’t leave her side. However worrying this is, we will get through it together.

Maternity Ward Nights

So I am trying, trying really hard to think kind thoughts, to send good wishes, to share calming vibes, but I just want to scream SHUT THE *^#+ UP. I feel so mean, so nasty, but so tired and in pain too. Plus my partner is not here talking in a loud normal level voice on the phone at 5am for the whole ward to hear. I can rein in my desire to scream at the labouring mummy, but omg, I am about to tell him to leave the ward, hang up or to bloody whisper.

Labour is different for everyone I one I know that, and having had two emergency sections I guess in a way I have escaped the labour pains, I get the excruciating c section pain afterwards and the sickness, so it’s not all good. But I like to think we are quiet and considerate, well at least my visitors are and I try to whimper quietly.

I adore our nhs I truly truly do, we are truly blessed to have it. I can not fault it, and I am being cared for beautifully. But in instances like this I am all for fundraising for sound proof rooms in every labour ward for the second the pain kicks in. Surely it makes life easier for everyone, the labouring mummy can be as noisy as she damn well likes, the partner can freak out, call the entire world, loose the ability to think, and the rest of us can sleep / not be terrified by what’s to come – which surely makes life easier for the midwives as we are hassling them less and therefore much calmer in our own pain.

Even typing this I feel mean, but it’s what everyone in my bay is thinking right now.

Love

Today is Pride Day, and I’ve been looking at photos all over social media and smiling.  Smiling at the smiles, smiling at the happiness, the colours, the ‘**** you’ nature of the banners & posters being held, smiling at the joy, the unity, the equality. Life should be like this always,  it’s shiny and happy and rainbow coloured. We all need more love and happiness in our lives.

It breaks my heart to think of predjuduce and inequality. What right do we have to judge who somebody loves? Love is a good thing, love wins, so who the heck cares who it’s with. In a world full of torment, hatred, war, we need more love. Our children need love, our elderly neighbours need love, the homeless guy on the corner needs love, gosh even the in laws need love! Love is what keeps us together, it’s what helps us through the tough times and floats us through the good times. It should be what makes the world go around, although I think it could do with a little more right now.

Grayson’s friend has two daddy’s, who are amazing. I just wish that everyone saw it the way a three year old boy does. He just accepts that his friend has two daddy’s and he knows that some children have two mummy’s, some have a mummy & a daddy like he does, others have maybe just a mummy, or just a daddy. He does not question, he just accepts and this is truly beautiful. We need to be bringing our children up with love and acceptance and not with bitterness and prejudice. They are our future.

I pray that everyone has a joyous and safe Pride, and that the love flows.

 

Mummy wants a puppy!

So today Dan decided to take us to Wood Green Animal Rescue Centre in Godmanchester.  What a great place to visit. It’s 52 acres for a start, so huge, and is apparently one of the largest rehoming centres in Europe, which makes it pretty special in my eyes.

We strolled along the animal trail, reading all the facts and sign boards to Grayson. He adores animals and likes to know everything! He asks so many questions! The signboards around the trail were great as they had answers for him too.

We went to see the dogs, but unfortunately for us, fortunately for the dogs they have restricted viewing access to people who are serious about rehoming only.  So we were only able to view dogs that were either being walked, or who were outSide in the ‘play’ area behind their kennels.  I would love a puppy for Grayson, as a therapy dog.  I think it would be very calming for him.  D is not so keen, but I went on and on!  Let’s just say I am working on it 😂. I miss my dogs, I had two when I lived in South Africa and I really do miss them.  I never saw myself as a doggy kinda person until I had two.  I think we shall be back at Wood Green potentially in the near future to view some puppy’s, well fingers crossed anyway.

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Mummy Is My Favourite Word

First OT session ………

So we did it, we survived Grayson’s first OT session!  It was pretty uneventful.  Gray and I drove into town, parked around the Outer Circle of Regents Park and walked, yes walked to the clinic.  Grayson was reasonably cooperative and amused himself looking at builders along the way, as well as peering down at he basements of the offices / houses we past.  He loves the book Funnybones where the skeletons live in the cellar, so he was on the look out for skeletons!  A quick dash into Natural Kitchen for a healthy lunch and we were on our way – ok ok  after I had had to leave the queue twice to find the little monkey who had run off around the shop / cafe.  One blip is allowed right?!

Grayson met his OT Nancy and off they went to ‘play’ leaving me with two other mummy’s, both of whom were over with their children from Moscow for an intensive therapy week.  It seems the clinic has lots of international children receiving treatment.  I dread to think how much that all costs, but it makes me feel even happier with our choice.

The 45 minutes passed almost two quickly, I wasted too much time on Instagram and not enough time doing the admin I had planned on doing.  I was invited in to see what Grayson had been up to.  He had been having a blast, throwing himself around an obstacle course, and bouncing on a mini trampoline.  All great stimulation for his vestibular system, but I immediately thought it was going to be a quiet drive home, he would be exhausted.  He really settled in well, and seemed like he had been going for years, I adore that about him, how he just waltzes in like he owns the place and says hello. No homework this week, so they have eased us in gently, but I need to re read the report and understand whats going on more.  We are all on such a learning curve at the start of this new journey.

It was a bit more of a struggle to walk back to the car, more due to sheer exhaustion than anything else I suspect.  I did a lot of carrying, bribing and encouraging, and we got there without too much drama.  Within about ten minutes he was snoozing blissfully, good old Classic FM and the line ‘Mummy wants some quiet time’ does it every single time!  I am so proud of my little bean, he did so well today.  Hopeful, but not delusional that next week will be as easy.

Bedtime however tonight, oh my goodness was tough.  It went on for two hours. Lots of tired tears later, from us both, he finally nodded off and I snuck away downstairs.  I was getting so frustrated but having read about Baby Charlie’s family loosing their court battle with Great Ormond Street today I felt awful grumbling that my  darling boy would not go to sleep, I just lay there crying for them, and holding him close.  I am so so blessed to be able to tuck him and Ruby up every night and to hold them close.  I cannot even begin to imagine what Charlie’s poor family are going through tonight.

Assessment Day

The day has arrived, Grayson was assessed today for Sensory Processing Disorder.  Finally I feel like I am moving forward in this journey, perhaps to a destination now and not just around and around in circles being told I am either making it up, exaggerating, my son is naughty, or that their might perhaps be something wrong.  He is a sweet boy and I have known that something does not add up for a good year or so now.

The clinic we were recommended in Central London, has great feedback, and I trust the OT who recommended it completely, she is a friend of my sisters and is also a specialist in Sensory Processing Disorder, just unfortunately has moved back to SA.

Within five minutes of being with the occupational therapist she told me he is a text book case.  The relief was immense. I left them to it, the session was meant to be just the two of them, no mummy involvement although I would have loved to have been able to spy.  The session was a two hour play based assessment.  I popped for a take away cuppa and came back to the clinic to try and relax whilst impatiently waiting.  Grayson seemed to have a great time, he loved his therapist and assessor and seemed to respond greatly to her.  He is such a sociable little boy, such a chatterbox (hmmmmm I wonder who he gets that from!) I am so blessed that he is like that. I love his personality, even if he does drive me bonkers and is such hard work.

So now the next part of the wait begins, we have to wait two weeks for the parent meeting to discuss the assessment.  It is going to be a long two weeks, I just want to get on with helping him now and helming us all.  Its hard having a child with additional needs, with no guidance or support.  It puts pressure on us all. God knows my relationship is in tatters.