This Mama Hit A Wall

It’s not often that I talk about how tough things are. I think we are all so conditioned to the ‘instagram perfect’ life that we must be sharing. But I do like to keep it real and I am am also learning, slowly, that it’s ok to ask for help. I also think that having masked my adhd for 44 years before my diagnosis I have got so used to ‘trying to fit in’ and ‘saying what I think should be said’ that I’m even more rubbish at this ‘real life ‘ malarkey.

But right now true honesty is needed. I’ve hit a wall, I am absolutely exhausted, emotionally and physically and life is feeling really really tough. And not this is not a plea for sympathy, this is real and raw, and this is true mama life. Ruby is still school refusing, I try daily to get her to go in, and she is an emotional wreck. She will go in on a Wednesday for her Art Therapy and also because she is picked up by Daddy and is too terrified not to be there when he picks up as she knows he will be cross – not the best for her mental health – but what I can do about this? I have to ensure her needs are fully met when she is with me. On a Thursday she will go into school masking and pretending all is ok, because again she is with Daddy, and then Thursday afternoon I am ready and waiting for the explosion when she comes home again. It always comes. The rest of the week, we are a little hit and miss at the moment as to when she is and isn’t in school. I encourage and we try as much as she can, but she gets so distressed about it, I’m not forcing her in kicking and screaming. School wise the support has equally been hit and miss. It started off pretty supportive but the longer it has gone on, quite honestly the support has lessened day by day. The blame seems to be on me, the parent and the pressure of the damn attendance tick seems to be all that is cared about. Whereas to me, my Childs mental health and wellbeing is way way more important. It’s not the learning she is afraid of, she loves to learn, it’s something that she can’t even manage to talk to me about, yet alone talk to anyone else about. It’s heartbreaking watching your child struggle so much. I get endless pressure from their Dad, not going into details here, but obviously it’s my bad parenting that causes this, the standard drivel. I have pressure from school, for that all important attendance tick, and the eye rolls and judgment that goes with it. They really think parents don’t notice, how wrong they are.

Grayson currently is a mess, his adhd meds got increased slightly last week and to be honest we have sailed through this before. OMG not this time, it’s been one hell of a week. My name has upgraded to bitch this week – yep you read that right. The meltdowns have been epic and it’s been really really tough. My new look laundry pile courtesy of the bleach that he poured all over it looks a delight – maybe we can set a new trend with our 80s style bleached clothes. My walls have dents in from all the punching he has done and all the throwing of things, his head has a nice bruise / bump from some of his throws actually landing on him – wish I could call this karma but it was stressful as he was so distressed. He has gone from moments of pure trauma and distress to such rage. He has barely slept and neither have I am I honestly beyond exhausted right now. I am hopeful he will go back to school tomorrow – I say hopeful as I was, but he just started flipping out again – I’m pretending to ignore as I type this, but if I’m honest my eyes are stinging with tears.

So to put it bluntly I am beyond capacity right now, last week I genuinely thought I was at capacity and could take no more, but today I am beyond that, by a long way. But what choice do I have. I don’t have someone to pass over to, I don’t have someone to say hey please can you have them for a night or for even half hour so I can just get some time out. Its just me doing this, I’m riding solo, and most of the time thats great, but omg right now I am exhausted, emotional and feeling like I am about to lose my shit in a big way. It’s hard work and I’m not afraid to say that. Problem is if you say this to the wrong people, eg school, they use this info against you and claim you can’t cope – it seems to be a weakness to say things are hard, and you are exhausted. It’s normal – it’s just that people don’t seem to know it’s ok to say. I remember when I was fostering one of the mums at school, who clearly had two sons with adhd, said to me one day that she regularly locked herself in the bathroom and called her mum asking her to come around and take the boys for a while, so she did not lose her shit at them. At the time I thought this was a crazy and weird thing to admit and seriously questioned in my mind her parenting – now I totally respect her, for asking for help. Wish I had my mum to ask.

I was chatting to some friends this morning who offered to help me try and get Gray into school, and who also offered to have him for a few hours and I was so grateful I was so emotional (once out of sight!). I of course said no, it’s ok I would do it, but why oh why did I say that? To save face? To not admit defeat? To not make him feel bad being with someone else? Honestly I have no idea, apart from I think it’s out of habit, it’s what we do isn’t it, just say no it’s ok I can do it. But can we? Can we honestly? Honestly I think I need to get way way better at asking for help and also accepting it, I really do. Its not admitting weakness, its actually good to out your own needs first sometimes. I cannot be the best possible mummy if I am completely burnt out and exhausted, so its time to try and be a little kinder to myself, to accept offers and to maybe ask for help a little more. Pretending all is peachy is not doing myself any good.

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